Help-Mate

Dear Father,

Thank You for giving me such a help-mate. She is more than a help-mate because that sounds so business-like. She does more than help me do but she helps me be. Maybe this is what You had in mind. Thank You for giving me such a Help-Mate. She so touches that part of me that is out of reach to everyone else including myself. I would continue on in ignorance thinking there is no need for growth but she exposes – our relationship exposes – my need to continue to grow in intimacy. Even our relationship doesn’t really expose this like mine and Holly’s. Intimacy is not stagnant. It is not a place you arrive at or an achievement to be attained. She has taught me this. I do so poorly at being intimate. I allow the pressure of the unknown to force me back into the comfortable known and thus miss the riches afforded those who venture out in spite of their fear.

I guess intimacy is more than doing but it is being. It is not so much as a work but a way. How would I have ever known this if You had not given me Holly. As I look at the vastness of the expanse before me my heart is tempted to faint; to give up. But I know that this is what intimacy is. It is enjoying the vastness – exploring the regions beyond – hill and dale, wood and stream, highest mountain and lowest valley. It is enjoying this vastness with Holly. I’m tempted to give up – on intimacy that is – to retreat into business as usual – to retreat into the comfortable ease of being responsible and fulfilling my duty as a husband and father. This is risk free and safe. But to do this is to forfeit the cry of my soul. It is to die. So I will press on and we will press on to explore this mysterious and scary and amazingly wondrous land. And somewhere in the depths of this land we will discover that we were exploring Eden all along. I don’t want to hide in the security of the masses for it appears not many go there. I want to press on. I will not be afraid. I will lean into the cold wind of my fears and press on to see a brighter day – the freedom of heart and satisfaction of soul that only this vast wilderness of intimacy with Holly can provide. And only after all this will I find true intimacy with You.

It is amazing how (I find it bafflingly true.) the level of intimacy I have with Holly is directly and absolutely proportional to the level of intimacy I have with You and visa versa. It’s hard for me to capture in words this mishmash of raw thoughts and emotion. I feel that I’m seriously lacking in intimacy with both of you. I feel there is something missing. That I’m lacking like when in school I was just starting to grasp a math equation but not quite. I could feel something beyond but I couldn’t see it. I am a blind man groping about and stumbling in the darkness when it comes to truly loving You and Holly. Like every other part of my life I’m trying to arrive to where there is no destination and thus missing the journey along the way. I don’t think there are any right answers per se but to continue striving to find the answers. It is the exercise of love – of intimacy that is the goal. I believe I already know what to do; it’s just letting go and doing it. Help me to do it. Help me to be intimate. Amen.