Identity

When I was a boy baseball was my favorite sport. My dad coached me through childhood teams. The message I received through my baseball career was that I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t the worst (I didn’t play right field) but I was nominal at best. An honest assessment would reveal that I had a good eye, was fast but was fearful and didn’t hit well because of it, and I didn’t have a strong arm. So at season end each year I would anxiously wait to see the All-Star roster and each year I would leave gravely disappointed and heart broken for not being selected on the team. My season always ended with the last game of regular season. Dad tried to encourage me but I’m sure my disappointment eclipsed all comments of encouragement. I only focused on my failure. One time, my last year of baseball, when I played in Jr. League at age 13 I was selected for the All-Star team because it was an all 13 year old team and there were not enough 13 year olds to comprise the team. The coach called me at home and tried to encourage me to play but I said that all those years being rejected put a bitter taste in my mouth for the All-Stars. I was a No-Star and wasn’t going to be on the team now. I did not want to be wanted out of default. The belief was established that I didn’t measure up. Failure had become my identity. The Peanuts cartoon was my favorite because I could identify with Charlie Brown. There is a great story by Raymond Lovett in Bringing Up Boys by Dr. Dobson that captures this superbly (pp. 152-158).

So all these years later there has been an undercurrent of this negative belief about myself that has tainted my every experience. These are extremely deep roots. Several years ago, Father started working this out of me. Through my church body, the leadership, and several books Father started revealing to me that my identity is Jesus. Everything else is not failure it is only a mirage of the real and a reminder that only a relationship with Jesus can meet that deep need of measuring up and belonging – intimacy. The solution has been and will continue to be renewing my mind to the truth of who I am in Christ.

I woke up this morning with this story and others like it on my mind. I’ve been experiencing a lot of stress lately and have found myself trying to measure up but feel as if I’m lacking. My unconscious solution has been to work harder. I need something to work on to prove my worth – to prove myself successful. Even good things are bad when they lead us away from the awareness of Jesus our identity. But what happens is that the busyness of mind only reveals that life with Jesus is the real thing, the only thing. Everything else is only a pursuit of our heart’s cry which is intimacy with Jesus and others we are in relationship with. This is where “happiness” is found. This is where peace and contentment reside.

The true message that I didn’t get back then was that only valuing intimacy with Jesus counts, everything else doesn’t matter. Everything else only demonstrates our need for it.