Grace
For several years after being apprehended by the Lord I was puzzled by grace. I had no tangible definition. I had heard that I was saved by grace apart from my works. I had heard God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense. But I still didn’t know what it was.
Until…I experienced grace. I had been saved many years yet without revelation of grace. In college I had gone through some breaking experiences. That sounds too nice. Specifically, God killed me. I look back now and have had more significant death experiences but it was measurable at that time in my life. It was during this time that He gave me revelation of grace. Since that time He has expanded my understanding but grace at its root is the stuff Father gives you to get you through. He gives energy, wisdom, know how, strength, ability, and whatever is required in the moment to make it through the day and often through the hour and the minute.
Last night I took the family to “Dream Night” at the zoo. It is one night during the year that the zoo opens its doors for special needs kids and their families. They have games and treats provided by their sponsors. It has its merit for it is kind to those in need.
What struck me was seeing the special needs kids. One in particular moved me. She was a baby less than six months old who appeared to have a clubbed foot – probably a spina bifida child. I’m not sure how to identify my thoughts and feelings…pity, that’s it, pity is what I was feeling. I felt pity for the child and her parents. I remember thinking, “How are they able to manage?” The underlying thought was, “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that condition” or “I couldn’t manage with that condition.”
There was a time when I was in High School that I was stopped at a light in Joplin. A bus pulled along side of me with a boy who I had known casually on board. He waved and smiled enthusiastically. Shamefully, I turned away. I couldn’t handle that the kid was different. The shame in it all is that mentally he knew what was going on even though a speech impediment prevented him from articulating his thoughts clearly. What was I thinking? Who was handicapped here? In college the guy born with no arms yet played the guitar with his feet came to town. (I forgot his name.) I was invited but didn’t go because I couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t that long ago that I wept as I watched his testimony on the Catholic channel.
So last evening while watching this family interacting I realized that others watch my family interacting and think, “I wouldn’t want to be them.” “How do they manage?” However, I don’t see it that way. I have grace for my moment. I sometimes wonder at what point will I realize that my son doesn’t walk, or that he has no bowel or bladder control? Will I wake up one day and it dawn on me that my son is different? For now I distinguish not between him and my “whole” son. I kind of like it that way. I’m ok continuing on in my dissociation because I don’t want him to think any differently of himself.
I choose to receive the grace for today and let tomorrow worry about its self. In reality this is not dissociation or denial. This is the grace of God for me in my situation. And that family I saw last night? God gives them grace for their situation as they need it.
John 1:16 For we have all received out of His fullness, even grace against grace. (My translation) The idea is for whatever the measure of our need God’s grace will meet the need in equal measure. It is a financial term such as if you went to the bank to borrow money. The banker would want you to have assets to cover the loan. God has the assets to cover whatever we face. That is the meaning of grace.
Until…I experienced grace. I had been saved many years yet without revelation of grace. In college I had gone through some breaking experiences. That sounds too nice. Specifically, God killed me. I look back now and have had more significant death experiences but it was measurable at that time in my life. It was during this time that He gave me revelation of grace. Since that time He has expanded my understanding but grace at its root is the stuff Father gives you to get you through. He gives energy, wisdom, know how, strength, ability, and whatever is required in the moment to make it through the day and often through the hour and the minute.
Last night I took the family to “Dream Night” at the zoo. It is one night during the year that the zoo opens its doors for special needs kids and their families. They have games and treats provided by their sponsors. It has its merit for it is kind to those in need.
What struck me was seeing the special needs kids. One in particular moved me. She was a baby less than six months old who appeared to have a clubbed foot – probably a spina bifida child. I’m not sure how to identify my thoughts and feelings…pity, that’s it, pity is what I was feeling. I felt pity for the child and her parents. I remember thinking, “How are they able to manage?” The underlying thought was, “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that condition” or “I couldn’t manage with that condition.”
There was a time when I was in High School that I was stopped at a light in Joplin. A bus pulled along side of me with a boy who I had known casually on board. He waved and smiled enthusiastically. Shamefully, I turned away. I couldn’t handle that the kid was different. The shame in it all is that mentally he knew what was going on even though a speech impediment prevented him from articulating his thoughts clearly. What was I thinking? Who was handicapped here? In college the guy born with no arms yet played the guitar with his feet came to town. (I forgot his name.) I was invited but didn’t go because I couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t that long ago that I wept as I watched his testimony on the Catholic channel.
So last evening while watching this family interacting I realized that others watch my family interacting and think, “I wouldn’t want to be them.” “How do they manage?” However, I don’t see it that way. I have grace for my moment. I sometimes wonder at what point will I realize that my son doesn’t walk, or that he has no bowel or bladder control? Will I wake up one day and it dawn on me that my son is different? For now I distinguish not between him and my “whole” son. I kind of like it that way. I’m ok continuing on in my dissociation because I don’t want him to think any differently of himself.
I choose to receive the grace for today and let tomorrow worry about its self. In reality this is not dissociation or denial. This is the grace of God for me in my situation. And that family I saw last night? God gives them grace for their situation as they need it.
John 1:16 For we have all received out of His fullness, even grace against grace. (My translation) The idea is for whatever the measure of our need God’s grace will meet the need in equal measure. It is a financial term such as if you went to the bank to borrow money. The banker would want you to have assets to cover the loan. God has the assets to cover whatever we face. That is the meaning of grace.
posted by brent at 10:06 PM
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