Capturing the Heart
We are involved in a fierce conflict where victory is hard to define. All around us is uncertainty and trepidation. It is so vast it seems impossible to get our minds around it and coherently process and articulate. There are those around us that say it can’t be won. The cost is too great. We must avoid conflict at all costs. The ideas and opinions are so numerous it is difficult to settle on the right path – the path to victory. What shall be done? Will our fear paralyze us, bind us to inaction? Will the enemy overwhelm like a flood? Or will we turn and face the challenge, raising within our selves the courage to stand and fight, to look at the enemy and say, “You will advance no further.” The war I speak of are the battles for our children and the battleground is their hearts.
It is an ever present concern of mine – a worry if you will – that my children will have to go through a rebellious state as they grow and I’ll loose their hearts. I study families as to how they interact with their children and watch for the outcomes. I wonder what the missing component is of those who have lost the hearts of their children. Why do seemingly good families have these kids that wonder away into poor, hurtful choices? I could name several cases where there have been health issues involved and the child still with a determined, I-did-it-my-way attitude walks off the edge of the cliff. Does this have to be? Do some kids just need to be stupid?
It is necessary to first weigh out my own anxieties and need to be perfect. To what degree am I uncomfortable because the before mentioned stupid behavior reflects on me? You know, my child’s stupidity somehow demonstrates that there is something wrong with me. I need them to be perfect for me. Kids pick up on this and it produces resentment. If this is the case we will soon join Job in saying, “That which I most feared has come upon me.” It cannot be about us, even a residual “I don’t want them to hurt” or “I want them to be successful.” Rather, “You are o.k.”
I know enough to know that this war is not won in a day but one bloody battle after another. There will be advances and retreats. Several wounds will result from the fighting. We must bind up the wounds and keep fighting. It is absolutely essential to keep in mind that my child is not the enemy. This unseen, mysterious entity that would steal my child’s heart from me is the enemy. I can’t blame this on the devil. I’ve descended into the mysterious recess of the earth and find that I am the greatest challenge for my child’s heart. (We have seen the enemy and the enemy is us.) They want me to have their heart. It is their greatest desire – their greatest need. They are calling out for it in ways that seem strange and unnatural and contrary to reason. They lie and fight and defy and run but what they are saying is, “Do you really want my heart? Prove it!” So it is of utmost importance that we value them more than their behavior. Then, only then, does the process start of gaining their heart – when we give them ours.
I feel as if I’m a blind man groping about in the darkness until I stumble upon that for which I am looking. Can anyone help me see?
It is an ever present concern of mine – a worry if you will – that my children will have to go through a rebellious state as they grow and I’ll loose their hearts. I study families as to how they interact with their children and watch for the outcomes. I wonder what the missing component is of those who have lost the hearts of their children. Why do seemingly good families have these kids that wonder away into poor, hurtful choices? I could name several cases where there have been health issues involved and the child still with a determined, I-did-it-my-way attitude walks off the edge of the cliff. Does this have to be? Do some kids just need to be stupid?
It is necessary to first weigh out my own anxieties and need to be perfect. To what degree am I uncomfortable because the before mentioned stupid behavior reflects on me? You know, my child’s stupidity somehow demonstrates that there is something wrong with me. I need them to be perfect for me. Kids pick up on this and it produces resentment. If this is the case we will soon join Job in saying, “That which I most feared has come upon me.” It cannot be about us, even a residual “I don’t want them to hurt” or “I want them to be successful.” Rather, “You are o.k.”
I know enough to know that this war is not won in a day but one bloody battle after another. There will be advances and retreats. Several wounds will result from the fighting. We must bind up the wounds and keep fighting. It is absolutely essential to keep in mind that my child is not the enemy. This unseen, mysterious entity that would steal my child’s heart from me is the enemy. I can’t blame this on the devil. I’ve descended into the mysterious recess of the earth and find that I am the greatest challenge for my child’s heart. (We have seen the enemy and the enemy is us.) They want me to have their heart. It is their greatest desire – their greatest need. They are calling out for it in ways that seem strange and unnatural and contrary to reason. They lie and fight and defy and run but what they are saying is, “Do you really want my heart? Prove it!” So it is of utmost importance that we value them more than their behavior. Then, only then, does the process start of gaining their heart – when we give them ours.
I feel as if I’m a blind man groping about in the darkness until I stumble upon that for which I am looking. Can anyone help me see?
posted by brent at 9:27 AM
2 Comments:
I believe this is clearly the reality - "They want me to have their heart. It is their greatest desire – their greatest need." Children really do ask very little of their parents. As ou put it - acceptance for their person, not behavior. Add to that security - the security of being there and accepting them. Accepting does not mean allowing them to feed their whims with out correction. I think it means providing guidance, allowing them to try to please you without fear of the condemnation of failure, however small or large. I don't think we - or children - really fear failure. We fear the condemnation and lack off future trust in ourselves should we fail. I firmly believe parents must not just live out their faith, but talk about it daily and teach it to children. Nothing pushes a child away from a parent (even in so-called "good Christian homes" more than a parent who teaches/preaches yet does not model it and talk heart to heart (your title - "Capturing the heart") with their children. Children must hear about spiritual failures, successes, struggles, etc. Children are so quick to pick up on all areas of hypocrisy in our lives. In my 18 years of public education and talking with kids from varying home lives - the #1 and #2 causes of parent / child estrangement are, in order, hypocrisy and absence by parent. Children would rather have a more modest lifestyle than an absent father, or mother, who is "working hard to make a living." In summary, being open, honest and present are the greatest ways to capture the heart.
mc
You are speaking of adolescence. Younger children don't have the luxury of analysis. They internalize and personalize all the messages we send whether they're right or not. It is these messages that produce the rift when they are older. We must meet our children at their development stage in the way they need us. We must adjust at each developmental shift and re-relate to them at the level they are on. I believe that if we do this, we will be able to successfully meet the challenges and our children will be successful.
I speak of the intensity that must be maintained. It is easy to slide back into a business-as-usual mindset.
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