Playgrounds

Some times I feel as a deaf mute being able to take in the world but unable to adequately communicate my thoughts and feelings. The analogy breaks down as I can hear clearly what is going on around me. It’s just hard to put into words what is bothering me. To speak would only jumble things up and make matters worse. So I silently carry on with tidbits of understanding crumbling away from this mass of confusion. Relationships are so difficult. Why can’t everything be as easy and complete as mowing my yard? I can see and articulate what needs to be done, do it, and then reap the satisfaction of a job well done. I wish for the blessing of Jack H but not his curse. I could fluently and skillfully articulate my feelings and the nuances of how and why. I could see something wrong and be able to instantly verbalize the detail of its wrongness. Then since I wouldn’t have his curse I could confront it and address those involved in such a skillful fashion that they would be awakened to change – to repent from their error. And the world would once again be right and well and good.

So, here I am, struggling to make sense of a senseless situation. I’m struggling to put it together in my mind while keeping my integrity in tact. I harbor no bitterness or resentment although the situation makes me angry and frustrated and hurt. I want to take my toys and go play somewhere else. But don’t all the playgrounds have their difficulties? Am I not placed in this playground to face difficulties such as these, to make my playground a better place? It reminds me of dealing with a really hard case that I can’t get my mind around. It takes a great amount of energy and time like traversing a difficult path on a journey before finally arriving at my destination. What I do know is that Father is faithful to get me there. He will show me the path of life. However, it’s rarely easy and it will require me to grow.

On Being A Sheep

Know that the Lord Himself is God; it is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Psalm 100:3

It is easy to get caught up in my own thing, building my own kingdom. It is easy to forget that all that I have is because of Him. How comforting to know that Father is in control and intimately involved in my life. He is my rock and refuge. He is in the business of making me. My job is to allow Him to complete His work in me – to not resist what He is doing in me. My job is to follow Jesus.

Growth Spurt

As I was meditating this morning it dawned on me that all the difficult experiences I’ve faced in life have led to bigger and better things. Father has orchestrated my circumstances to bless and grow me up. I’m currently going through some shattered assumptions that are on par with losing my father five years ago. And although I would never choose to go through these experiences, I can see how they are producing His fruit in me. Easy words to type but in actual experience there is blood, sweat, and tears. In fact as I reread them I think it sounds trite in comparison to the actual experiences. One of the verses Father impressed on me when Dad died was II Cor. 1:3-4, Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions. He stopped me there and made very real to me that He is my comfort. He comforts me. His focus was on me at the moment of my crisis. Even now as I think back on that time it is one of my special memories of Father. I haven’t journaled a lot this year because of an assortment of things that I won’t detail now. However, a lot has been going on in me. It’s sort of like a developmental shift, a growth spurt. As the circumstances started unfolding two things Father has strongly impressed on me: He is my rock and I must pursue Him in the midst of the distractions. I’m sure there will be more revelation as time goes on but this is the foundation that will support me through the whelming flood.